Introvert or shy – are you one or both?

Some people like island holidays more than city breaks, or chocolate ice cream over strawberry. I’ll take any holiday and all the ice cream. Clearly, I’m greedy. I want all the things. I can also be more than one thing, and it can change: I was once both shy and introverted.

Is there a difference? Yes, it’s different on the inside but may look the same on the outside.

Being introverted or extroverted is all about energy – how quickly it’s spent and how can it be recharged. As an introvert, being at a big social event with lots of people can be fun, but super tiring. The mental management needed to mingle and keep up with conversations and social expectations takes a bit of a toll. The tank runs empty quicker for introverts than extroverts in an environment like this. Give us a small group of close friends or some solo tasks to do at home and we can keep going for hours! But a more complex mix is exhausting and we will need some quiet time to ourselves to restore. Extroverts are the opposite – they feel invigorated in a social environment and are more likely to feel depleted if under-stimulated for too long.

What does any of this have to do with being shy? Being shy isn’t about energy, it’s about comfort. A shy person may feel a social environment to be either pleasantly stimulating or exhausting, but only if they are comfortable with who is there and what is involved. There may be anxiety or fear involved, being unsure of what is expected of them, whether they will be able to mix in with who is there, or whether they will be judged. Shy people want to blend in without really being seen, because they don’t feel comfortable in the environment.

One of the problems with seeing shyness and introversion both as the same thing is that is can lead some people to think that it’s an issue to be cured. However, being shy is a feeling. So any one of us can be shy at times. Shyness may involve a level of anxiety that prevents someone from doing things they actually want to do, or be the person that they feel they are inside. That is something that can be worked on. But that’s different from not wanted to do things because you find them tiring.

I was previously very shy. I wouldn’t speak to anyone I didn’t know, and even with people I did know it would take a while for me to warm up and be able to get words out. I liked spending time with my friends, but I was very stiff at first until I settled into the environment. That was shyness – I was nervous that I was going to say the wrong thing, or that they didn’t really want me there and I’d made some kind of mistake. While I recognised that I was “shy” – and people told me so – I knew there was something else going on. I was anxious in a way that others weren’t.

As I got older, I gained confidence and was able to go to parties and mingle and have a good time. But I couldn’t do this for as long as everyone else. Going clubbing AND going to an after club? No thanks. Going to work all day, then to someone’s house for a few hours, AND then out to dinner with friends? When there is a brunch the next day as well? Why would people do that to themselves? Most of my friends were keen to fill every moment of the weekend with social plans, I was keen to try to keen my plans down to no more than three meetings maximum. I enjoyed hanging out with my friends, but I felt an inner peace and soothing feeling of restoration from doing my own thing. I didn’t feel refreshed for another week of work after only socialising – I got fun from the socialising, but refreshment from reading a book or sitting with a cup of tea and watching the world go by.

It’s lovely to see that more people are realising that quiet moments suit them. One of the benefits in social media is finding millions of introverts who can chat online for hours and hours about all their favourite hobbies and interests – introverts are able to come together and enjoy socialising in a way that is less overstimulating. And we are able to discover more restorative hobbies to try. I’m knitting right now and I plan to try crochet. I’m a great baker, but I’m going to experiment with a spiralizer. I once spent a weekend teaching myself how to draw cartoon characters. It is a joy to try new things and connect with others about it, and it can be the first step for the shy introverts to find their space.

So if you feel that you are a shy introvert, know that shyness is something that you can overcome if you want to. It has roots in other feelings, often fears, and you can work through it. But introversion is not not a problem to be fixed – it’s a personality trait that more people understand, and there is a community out there for you – and you won’t have to go outdoors to find it!

^{Image by Arno Niesner from Pixabay}