Swimwear nightmare – the one-piece, one-style-suits-all nonsense

Swimwear nightmare – the one-piece, one-style-suits-all nonsense

Don’t run away now, but I’m going to talk about something that might scare you. It might make the acid in your stomach begin to bubble or hot fury rise up your neck.


It’s okay. I’m not going make you try any on. I’m going to vent, because a Who What Wear article appeared in my feed and it made me both angry and queasy.

I should have known better than to even bother to read an article entitled “The Most Flattering Swimwear Trend for Any Body Type”, but I generally like WWWear so I gave them the benefit of the doubt. This was possibly a mistake.

First, there was the comment that one-pieces are more sexy and shapely than bikinis, giving an example of a flat all-white piece that “double as a bodysuit”. There was a “nude” coloured bodysuit as well. Shapeless underwear doesn’t immediately appeal as beachwear.

Speaking of nude, there were a couple of skin-colour items or various shades. Again, I was a little surprised by this. Unless I’m at a nude beach, I don’t really want to look nude. But each to their own.

Then there were a few that looked like aprons.

But what really brought out my inner Hulk was this: “The most universally flattering type of one-piece is one with a high-cut leg to elongate the leg…”

No. So much no. So much no that I could have read that as “Everyone looks great wearing nothing but cling film and whiteboard marker ink”. Are you insane, or do you literally only know people who are roughly the same size and shape?

Why a high-cut one-piece is not “universally flattering”, thank you very much.

  1. “Flattering” is a subjective term, and therefore not universal. Boom.
  2. Leg skin is still skin. Claiming that one-pieces are flattering because they leave something to the imagination, then to suggest wearing a very high-cut leg is somewhat bewildering.
    (insert pics – which of these two leaves more to the imagination?)
  3. Your choice of swimwear will come down to more than how long it makes your legs look. If you are wide at the thigh and hip, you will look wider and shorter. Yes, your legs might look longer from the side, but you’ll probably look shorter from the front. Cue flashbacks to childhood swimming lessons, when the only swimwear available was high-cut and my mother would insist that it was flattering because it made my legs look longer. All I saw was stumpy gigantic thighs and booblessness. In my mind I looked like a dinted skittle. Thank god that board shorts remerged during my teen years.
  4. Most one-pieces – including all but one in the WWWear post – don’t have support. So if you love your curves, most of these swimsuits will leave you with pancake boobs and wobbling cheeks rather than styled shapeliness.
  5. High-cut swimwear is more likely to give you a wedgie. Whether or not you find a thong flattering is your personal opinion, but hungry-bum in swimwear is certainly uncomfortable.

Not to completely unfair to the post, there were 3 swimsuits (out of 19 pictured) that I would try on.

Lacy suit – supportive and fun!
Chic cleavage gap suit – solid, but stylish (depending on your boob requirements)
Cutaway number – if you want to show a bit more skin
Racing zip suit – Sporty look, great for gym pool.

Check out the original WWWear post to see them all.

These are my thoughts, what do you think?

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